Now this post is way overdue and very hard for me to write. It's time.
This heart of mine is a tough one. Someone once told me years ago it was frozen along with all of the veins attached. I think that was the first time I ever realized it truly was and it need to be thawed out. But how? Why was I so cold in certain situations?
Years later, in my early forties, I started to learn about this through yoga, Reiki, Rain Drop Therapy, Card Readings, and learning from amazing women whom I give all credit. But if Maryjo reads this she will say that I did all the work and she just gave me to tools. Thanks MJ. Love you and thanks.
I am not going to sit here and play the blame game on my parents because we are all victims of victims and they could not have taught us anything they did not know themselves. Although I do believe that my father not being present had a lot to do with it. He did not know how to love himself so therefore, he could not teach me how to do the same. As we grow up, we have a tendency to re-create that early home life. And yes, I did, but got out due to the fact that I was beginning to see myself as my mother sitting, waiting and wishing.
As a tween I never had self confidence, I thought I was ugly because kids told me I was. I never thought I was good enough to have a boyfriend and that was the case for years. Yes, I "dated", but never had a SERIOUS boyfriend that I truly cared for and that truly cared for me until junior year of high school. And of course I fucked that up. Years later I finally figured out that it was a fear, a heart blockage and deep down I did not think I was worthy to have such a great guy. Unfortunately, we choose our thoughts and the "I'm not good enough" was one that deep down was running through my veins for years. I am not funny enough, rich enough, skinny enough, athletic enough, etc....how the hell could I have ever created a loving, happy, healthy relationship with that subconscious belief?
Let's fast forward because the past is the past. It is over and done but I can change my thoughts about the past and that has been step 1. To release the past we need to forgive. Forgive everyone and most importantly ourselves. I'm almost there, but I found my self giving the out a few weeks ago.
Going on 13 years divorced, single for the majority. Dated here and there, creeped on a bit, stalked, made stupid mistakes and learned lessons from all of them. I was not ready for a committed relationship. I love being alone and the easy feeling of not having to answer to anyone, not share a bed, a bathroom and just do my own thing when I want and how I want and being independant. And most importantly for my kids. I refused to make the mistake most newly divorced men and women do. They jump right in. Some don't even wait until the ink is dry and this makes me crazy. Every divorced man or woman need to heal and it doesn't matter who cheated, who doesn't love anymore, or who did what. HEAL friends. HEAL first. Don't let your home be a revolving door and most importantly, not with kids. They fear abandonment, just like we do. My children are happy in this very quiet, small house on the tracks. There is no yelling, fighting or screaming and no egg shells to be walked on. In my opinion, I have made very good decisions in this department. My children come first before anyone or anything. Fully 100% present.
For the divorced men who feel the need to jump in because they "need someone to cook, clean or take care of them when they are sick"; try to do for yourself for a while or go back home to mom. For the divorced ladies who "don't want to go back to work or need the security": GET A FUCKING JOB. Start your dream job/career. MAKE IT HAPPEN. I know you can do it!!
Heal so you can be in a healthy relationship and not continue to revisit old wounds and get back in another crappy relationship. When you jump in and find yourself attracting the same people and you are always complaining about it and trying to find the answer, well; the answer is you have not healed.
Back to the heart. It's pretty open. But it doesn't take long to close up again. I have the most amazing boyfriend that anyone could ever ask for. He's kind, loving, thoughtful, understanding, mushy, genuine, sweet, loyal, a yogi, fuckin hot as hell and funny. How he puts up with me is mind blowing. He has opened my heart and knows me so well when it is starting to freeze up. WHY?? It must still be fear and those stupid thoughts of me not deserving someone like him. A few weeks ago I said to myself that he deserves someone better. Why? We make a great couple. We laugh, have so much in common and the chemistry is there. Why is it that I want to shut down? I have no interest in ANYONE else but him.
This fuckin heart chakra drives me cra cra. Our heart chakra is the fourth primary chakra located in the center of the human body and is associated with love and understanding, What causes this chakra to get blocked? Emotional pain, caused by bad memories, old programming, emotions and even overthinking. In my case, I do not believe it is overthinking. That part was fixed years ago. I am proud to say, I live in the present moment and have so many things going on that I don't have time to overthink.
As I am writing and thinking it could be that hold onto emotions and this could cause the blockage or just procrastinating for the reason of time and the amount I have on my plate.
Whatever it may be, I will continue to stay connected to myself and know when the heart is starting to close and work on myself everyday. This process does not happen over night and there is not a magic pill that will cure the blockage forever.
The bottom line is this....
I am so grateful to have someone who understands me and all of this chakra healing stuff and someone who can fully admit he has healing to do as well. You see real men understand it, and know when to leave the ego at the door. Real men admit to their flaws. Real men understand authenticity. Oh; and real men do yoga!! ha
Thank you for being real and thawing out my heart and understanding when it starts to freeze up. I take 100% responsibility for doing the work/healing. Thank you for making me smile and always listening.
Thank you all for reading. Continue to do the work-in my friends.
When we really love , accept and approve of ourselves exactly as we are, then everything in life works. Our health improves, our relationships become more fulfilling, and we begin to express ourselves in fulfilling ways. Loving and approving of yourself, creating space of safety, trusting, deserving and accepting, will create organization in your minds, creating loving relationships, maybe a new job, or a better place to live. Whatever it may be. Try to approve of yourself, do the work and see what happens.
WRITE my friends.
It's so healing.