Divorce. Relationships. Heart Chakra.

Now this post is way overdue and very hard for me to write. It's time. 

This heart of mine is a tough one. Someone once told me years ago it was frozen along with all of the veins attached. I think that was the first time I ever realized it truly was and it need to be thawed out. But how? Why was I so cold in certain situations? 

Years later, in my early forties, I started to learn about this through yoga, Reiki, Rain Drop Therapy, Card Readings, and learning from amazing women whom I give all  credit. But if Maryjo reads this she will say that I did all the work and she just gave me to tools. Thanks MJ. Love you and thanks.

I am not going to sit here and play the blame game on my parents because we are all victims of victims and they could not have taught us anything they did not know themselves. Although I do believe that my father not being present had a lot to do with it. He did not know how to love himself so therefore, he could not teach me how to do the same. As we grow up, we have a tendency to re-create that early home life. And yes, I did, but got out due to the fact that I was beginning to see myself as my mother sitting, waiting and wishing. 

As a tween I never had self confidence, I thought I was ugly because kids told me I was. I never thought I was good enough to have a boyfriend and that was the case for years. Yes,  I "dated", but never had a SERIOUS boyfriend that I truly cared for and that truly cared for me until junior year of high school. And of course I fucked that up. Years later I finally figured out that it was a fear, a heart blockage and deep down I did not think I was worthy to have such a great guy. Unfortunately, we choose our thoughts and the "I'm not good enough" was one that deep down was running through my veins for years. I am not funny enough, rich enough, skinny enough, athletic enough, etc....how the hell could I have ever created a loving, happy, healthy relationship with that subconscious belief?

Let's fast forward because the past is the past. It is over and done but I can change my thoughts about the past and that has been step 1. To release the past we need to forgive. Forgive everyone and most importantly ourselves. I'm almost there, but I found my self giving the out a few weeks ago.

Going on 13 years divorced, single for the majority. Dated here and there, creeped on a bit, stalked, made stupid mistakes and learned lessons from all of them. I was not ready for a committed relationship. I love being alone and the easy feeling of not having to answer to anyone, not share a bed, a bathroom and just do my own thing when I want and how I want and being independant. And most importantly for my kids. I refused to make the mistake most newly divorced men and women do. They jump right in. Some don't even wait until the ink is dry and this makes me crazy. Every divorced man or woman need to heal and it doesn't matter who cheated, who doesn't love anymore, or who did what. HEAL friends. HEAL first. Don't let your home be a revolving door and most importantly, not with kids. They fear abandonment, just like we do. My children are happy in this very quiet, small house on the tracks. There is no yelling, fighting or screaming and no egg shells to be walked on. In my opinion, I have made very good decisions in this department. My children come first before anyone or anything. Fully 100% present.

For the divorced men who feel the need to jump in because they "need someone to cook, clean or take care of them when they are sick"; try to do for yourself for a while or go back home to mom. For the divorced ladies who "don't want to go back to work or need the security": GET A FUCKING JOB. Start your dream job/career. MAKE IT HAPPEN. I know you can do it!!

 Heal so you can be in a healthy relationship and not continue to revisit old wounds and get back in another crappy relationship. When you jump in and find yourself attracting the same people and you are always complaining about it and trying to find the answer, well; the answer is you have not healed.

Back to the heart. It's pretty open. But it doesn't take long to close up again. I have the most amazing boyfriend that anyone could ever ask for. He's kind, loving, thoughtful, understanding, mushy, genuine, sweet, loyal, a yogi, fuckin hot as hell and funny.  How he puts up with me is mind blowing. He has opened my heart and knows me so well when it is starting to freeze up. WHY?? It must still be fear and those stupid thoughts of me not deserving someone like him. A few weeks ago I said to myself that he deserves someone better. Why? We make a great couple. We laugh, have so much in common and the chemistry is there. Why is it that I want to shut down? I have no interest in ANYONE else but him.

This fuckin heart chakra drives me cra cra. Our heart chakra is the fourth primary chakra located in the center of the human body and is associated with love and understanding, What causes this chakra to get blocked? Emotional pain, caused by bad memories, old programming, emotions and even overthinking. In my case, I do not believe it is overthinking. That part was fixed years ago. I am proud to say, I live in the present moment and have so many things going on that I don't have time to overthink.

As I am writing and thinking it could be that hold onto emotions and this could cause the blockage or just procrastinating for the reason of time and the amount I have on my plate.

Whatever it may be, I will continue to stay connected to myself and know when the heart is starting to close and work on myself everyday. This process does not happen over night and there is not a magic pill that will cure the blockage forever. 

The bottom line is this....

I am so grateful to have someone who understands me and all of this chakra healing stuff and someone who can fully admit he has healing to do as well. You see real men understand it, and know when to leave the ego at the door. Real men admit to their flaws. Real men understand authenticity. Oh; and real men do yoga!! ha

Thank you for being real and thawing out my heart and understanding when it starts to freeze up. I take 100% responsibility for doing the work/healing. Thank you for making me smile and always listening.

Thank you all for reading. Continue to do the work-in my friends.

When we really love , accept and approve of ourselves exactly as we are, then everything in life works. Our health improves, our relationships become more fulfilling, and we begin to express ourselves in fulfilling ways. Loving and approving of yourself, creating space of safety, trusting, deserving and accepting, will create organization in your minds, creating loving relationships, maybe a new job, or a better place to live. Whatever it may be.  Try to approve of yourself, do the work and see what happens.

WRITE my friends.

It's so healing. 

xoxoxox

mb

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Better Boat

It’s that time of year again but this year I decided not to count the minutes, the days or the months that I have been here on this earth. (But I may do a cute post with a sign that says how many months old I am) ha

Counting just makes it seem that much longer and make the hand on the clock move that much faster. I am learning to try and slow the fuck down. I breathe in, I breathe out.

I started writing this blog a few days before my 47th birthday. For the simple reason of time. It flies by, there is not enough of it, time is precious, of the essence, an illusion, on my side, it heals wounds, time is not wasted if you enjoy doing what you are doing. And that is EXACTLY it. I am enjoying everything that I am doing.

This past year I have learned so much personally and professionally. I have dug deep and looked on the inside on what I needed to work on, what my triggers are and the things I need to fix to continue to evolve. And I have done the same with others. I have felt their energy, sadness and fear, happiness and relief, bitterness and resentment. Authenticity and fake. It was a year of digging, learning and clearing. I have increased awareness to interpret myself and others much deeper than before on so many different levels. And I wanted to share what I have learned during year 46.

Lately, it has been the onion and the mask. Reading, thinking and trying to figure it all out. Let’s remove the first layer of the onion my friends. Take off the mask. Behave and appear the same everyday and everywhere. Stop hiding your authentic self. Although I have seen many “true colors shining through” this last year. Do the inner work!! Once you dig you will realize what a great person you are. Lose the ego. Peel back the layers and be yourself. Stop following the crowds, and show up where you want, when you want and most importantly walk in without a mask. Throw it in the trash. Because guess what? That is exactly where it belongs.. And I don’t give a shit what town or county you live in or what car you drive or how big your house is. You are all amazing, beautiful beings. Show the real you. Thinka bout this...After the mask comes off, begin peeling off all of the layers. What's left?

" I ain't lonely, but I spend a lot of time alone. More than I'd like too. But I'm okay with staying home. My how the last few months have changed. I'm smiling more despite the pain"

Yes!! I am not sure what happened. From extrovert to introvert!! I am actually proud to have this come out of mouth. Most treat introverts as weird  or a personality trait. Some just get physically exhausted by spending a lot of time with other people. I have found that I need alone time to rest and recharge so I can continue to do what I do everyday. I sit and enjoy life without being in constant motion with others. Maybe it's because I am now 100% aware and tapped into those who are authentic and those who are not and I prefer to be around authenticity. I choose wisely.

Happy Hump Day, July 18th. I am back continuing the blog for what I have learned during year 46.There is so much I want to write and it may just be a mish mosh of crap so bare with me.

Let’s go back to 1973. I was two years old and I specifically remember watching The Wizard of Oz belly down with my hands under my chin, close to the big, old school, hand channel changer tv with 2, 4,5, 7, 11 and 13. I buried my head everytime that scary, green faced, screechy wicked witch with those cheesy long ass nails would come on the screen. It didn't take so long for me to stare at the screen and look her straight in the eyes. After 45 years of watching this movie over and over again I always found a new meaning. A deeper meaning. But nothing as deep as this amazing book I discovered just a few months ago. I have shared it in class but feel the need to share it today, on my 47th Birthday. This movie is a part of me. It always was and always will be.

“It is a story we remember, believe, and cherish in our hearts. To each generation, the story rises and blooms anew in the psyche. It is a story invested with all of our potentials and highest ideals, as well as our shadows and terrors.  It speaks to the basic human need for companionship. It is innocent and sincere. As it remembers a golden age in our past, it simultaneously portrays a technological golden age in the immediate future. We find the security of place, the assurance that we have in us a sufficiently of capacities to confront evil and survive, and the ability to trust in our own enormous untapped potentials.  Then, like Dorothy, we can come back and re-green the wasteland, the Kansas of our lives. We are OZ. In any mythic structure we may identify with the hero, but in truth we contain all of the characters. Dorothy might be any one of us. Or we might be the Tin Man in our longing to feel loving connections, the Scarecrow seeking our true intelligence, or the Cowardly Lion seeking courage. We contain the Great and Powerful Wizard. What would happen if we dared to dip into this high and holy magic within ourselves??”-The Wizard of Us.

This movie has so many lessons that so many of us can learn from and The Wizard of Us is one book that I am learning from everyday. It just makes sense to me. I can relate 100%.

For many years on this earth, I cared so much of what others thought of me. The last few, specifically this last I have finally removed that completely out of my head. It no longer exists. Theo Roosevelt said it best “I care not what others think of what I do, but I care very much about what I think of what I do” That is character!”

I have taken the time to really figure out who I would like in my life. Those who I value, respect and trust and those who respect and value me just the same. Those who are real, who lead and don’t follow. The people who can understand and accept decisions I have made or need to make and some were harder than others that’s for sure. Each decision has been a true lesson and wake up call that goes back to wearing masks and living a truly authentic life. I have made a commitment to myself to send only love, kindness and sympathy to those who portrayed themselves to be something they are not. I have let go of the situations that have occured. From phony emails and phone calls to cards and letters blowing smoke up my ass saying how much I changed their lives and then once things didn’t go their way; the real people under those masks appeared.

“A balanced individual is free to make the choice to change something if they’re comfortable with feedback that may be unflattering”-Wayne Dyer

Oh boy, did I get feedback. Ha ha.

I will continue to go on a rampage of appreciation rather than discussing the evils of the world and take every opportunity to continue to radiate joy whether you are on my side or not. Today, as I am approaching my 47th birthday I am sending nothing but hug and kisses to the evils of my world and everyday hope that halos are given and pitchforks are thrown in the trash along with the masks. Thank you for the lessons.

Boundaries.

Now this has taken a long time for sure and I am still working on it and the first step has been to practice self-awareness personally and professionally. SUKHA is a place of business and not a free for all. I will no longer allow a student or teacher to dictate or demand how I operate. I am always open to suggestions and there is now a suggestion box in the studio. In the beginning of my journey I have let too much get by. I have had past students drive to my house and threaten me if I raised prices, I have had negative comments thrown at me if I did not come around with oils, etc...Of course we all know people such as these have so much inner work to do. They just don’t seem to get the true meaning of yoga. With that being said, in November of 2017, I had felt like I failed as a teacher. With the number one thing coming to mind-”Did they not listen to ANY of my dharma talks? Holy shit, all the time and preparation and they still don’t get it but that’s okay. I get it now. I now fully understand that not everyone thinks they have healing to do and that many only think of yoga for the physical benefit or a social hour. Some people make situations so easy to walk away from. (Especially when you have a bird chirping in your ear front and center that likes to stir the pot)

I will continue to share even if some don’t fully understand the real reason why I am here

and what I am teaching and sharing. I congratulate everyone of my students who are on their authentic journey and practice yoga for the work-in.

As far as the personal boundaries go, well; I believe I am almost there with certain people that will unfortunately be in my life for a long time.

"I breathe in. I breathe out. What ain't working, what's still hurting. All the things I feel like cussing out."

Always remember, no person, no place, and no thing has any power over you, for you are the only thinker in the situations you create. When you create peace, harmony and balance in your mind you will find it in your life.
 

Competition.

It is only a word. Something I do not want to participate in. When I first opened SUKHA I was expecting peace, love and happiness from all and that was not the case. But again. That’s okay.  When it comes to the “C” word the best thing for me to do is mind my own business and that is exactly how I operate. I still struggle with others stealing Intellectual Property. Everyday I try to now to send peace to those who can’t seem to think for themselves, it’s been challenging, but I’m getting there. I am always flattered, but it still gets me heated. The hours and time brainstorming for someone else to steal? Ugh.

From the bottom of my heart, all yogis are welcome to SUKHA to practice. Not to spy,or have any alternative motive but to practice. And keep in the back of your mind that SUKHA is not only for beginners and we leave egos at the door and continue to keep it real. On the mat and off. On the screen and off. My wish is for yoga instructors all over the world to share this beautiful practice with as many people as possible and from the  heart, I wish you all nothing but the best on this magical, yet challenging venture. Always remember to be yourself. Teach how you want to teach and what feels right to you. Be your authentic self and teach that way. Let go of the script and teach from your heart. Your book and your lessons. Make people smile.

Healing.

Even at this age I am healing every freakin day. Healing from old wounds, present day bruises and learning to accept things that I can’t change.

I am trying to figure myself out and this is just the emotional healing. What I have learned is that any physical problems are caused from emotional issues that we carry and hold on to and I have many. This year I have found the root cause of a few and have found ways to heal through juice, essential oils, and making a change to my diet and letting go and removing blockages caused by people, places, and food.

To end this mish mosh of a blog, I would like to end with this:

I am proud of my flaws and I have so many and I will continue to work on them everyday.

I breathe in. I breathe out.

“We are each responsible for all of our experiences.

Every thought we think is our future.

The point of power is always in the present moment.

Everyone suffers from self-hatred and guilt.

The bottom line for everyone is, “I’m not good enough”.

It’s only a thought, and a thought can be changed.

We create every so-called illness in our body.

Resentment, criticism, and guilt are the most damaging patterns.

Releasing resentment will dissolve even cancer.

We must release the past and forgive everyone.

We must be willing to begin to learn to love ourselves.

Self-approval and self-acceptance in the now are keys to positive change.

When we really love ourselves, everything in our life works.”-Louise Hay

Thank you for reading, learning, practicing and sharing with me everyday. It’s going to be a great ride and I wouldn’t jump off just yet if I were you. :)

"I think I'm stronger than I was. I breathe in, I breathe out. I got friends to call who let me talk about. What ain't working, what'still hurting. All the things I feel like cussing out. Now and then I let go around the waves I can't control. I'm learning how to build a better boat"-Kenny Chesney

Listen to it here. It's a good one! (Amy may even like it) :)